Ana is your friend

And mia might possibly be my best friend.

I feel bloaty and gross after eating 2 full-size meals today, but I purged the dinner. I said I wasn't going to - that I was going to let myself have one day of whatever - but I couldn't help it. I just NEEDED to.

I had a lovely evening though, and I really love my fiance.

Tomorrow = back to the grind & back to the restricting.

I need to be thin.

I never regret eating too LITTLE.

Intake today:
6 grilled shrimp with lemon juice - 125.
One hunk of wheat/seed bread - 125.
Caesar salad with chicken - threw up.

I'm not eating the rest of the night.

I feel like a cow, but the scale says I'm looking better and better each day... I just want to be thin.

I can't wait for my day off tomorrow so I can go on my reward dinner... Where I will still keep it low, low, low. "Ana style eating out" is your friend.

Off to find a restaurant with a menu that doesn't terrify me... ♥

Back to the lows

SO, yesterday morning I weighed myself, and I had LOSTTT the weight.

Thank Jesus.

My goal today is to eat around 400 cals and do my pilates video.

If I do this, I can go to dinner with the BF tomorrow... And then back to a week of being good followed by one reward of some kind. I like this system.

I think this is my next reward:

It's on clearance on forever21.com and I want, want, WANT it! I hope they have my size when the time comes. If not maybe I can buy a M and shrink it...

But anyway...

Friday night was bad. I got WASTED. Had 3 cocktails at work after my shift and then went out had 2 beers and a shot. And I pigged the fuck out... Wings and fried mushrooms with loads of ranch. And I didn't hesitate one millisecond to go into the bathroom as soon as I was done feasting (while still at the bar) and purge. It's so EASY when you're drunk because your inhibitions are gone and the food in your now engorged stomach is floating around in liquid quite nicely.

Then I came home and while the fiance was taking the dog out to pee, I threw up anything that might have escaped this first purge.

I need to stop drinking.

First off, it's WAY too many calories and then I feel less worried about my body and I EAT. And then I think, "Ah, whatever!" and I purge. EVERY time.

While we're on the subject (sort of) I noticed a pattern with my "fasting" as well. I don't think I fast properly. Whenever I fast, I get SO hungry and my blood sugar gets SO low I end up eating like 1,000 cals in a sitting. NOT good! (Understatement!) And the last 2 times I attempted a fast, I got physically sick, and kind of fainted the last time...

So we're going to hold off on fasting for a while until my weight stops coming off as easily as it is now and until I figure out what I'm doing wrong and do some research.

And yet another tangent...

The other day at work, KB and I were chatting, and she was talking to me about how I'm looking thinner, etc. And she was lamenting that she lost weight a while back (She did. It was noticeable.) and gained it all back like 2 weeks later (She did. It was noticeable.) and how she wants so badly to be thinner.

And she kind of knows I have an ED, (because I semi-drunkenly told her one night after work) but I don't think she knows how bad I do... I don't think she GETS it.

And last night she asked me what I "did." I laughed. And I said, "You know, but you don't know." And she said, "I want to do what you do." And I looked her square in the face and said. "You do NOT want to do what I do."

It made me frustrated a bit. I love her, so I wasn't pissed off... But definitely frustrated.

I see people all around me all the time who eat "normally" who eat foods with bread and cheese and grease and FLAVOR and don't even bat an eyelash. Who don't calculate complex algebraic caloric equations in their heads. Who don't count glasses of water or diet pills or laxatives who don't chew bites really tiny and drink lots of liquid so they can purge if need be... I see fat girls getting fatter and those who are blessed to be naturally skinny maintaining that same perfect weight.

And it makes me SICK.

It makes me jealous and disgusted and feel sad for them but also long to BE them all at the same time.

You can't just "do what I do."

This is who I am.

I can't just give you pointers on eating like an ana girl and you lose weight. It's a part of me. I can't help the feelings behind the actions. I can't stop my behavior. And I can't give you the kind of willpower it takes to wake up in the morning starving after a night of purging and completely ignore food, ignore you aching, trembling stomach because the scale says you weigh one pound more than yesterday.

You can't just "do" this, and anyone who doesn't have their whole life wrapped around their intake/output/calories/weight/inches/blubber/bones/hips/thighs/stomach/food/lack of food isn't going to get it.

But anyway...

Today's plan:
Do my workout.
Possibly a nappp!
B: Coffee
Showerrr and get ready for work.
L: Salad from Chik-fil-a w/fat free honey mustard dressing.
D: Apple

This is around 320, so I may allow myself something else, but maybe not.

Thinspo, in video form today, ladies. Because I'm lazy and I love this song.

Focus

I did well today. Under 500 cals, and I didn't leave a bite out in this calculation.

I didn't get to work out, but I worked my ass off at work, so I'm sure I burned plenty.

Tomorrow's goal is to reduce by 100 cals and throw in an ab workout at least.

I WILL BE THIN.

I am more focused, and tomorrow I will be even MORE focused.

I may weigh tomorrow... We'll see.

100th post

Binge, purge, 30 minutes of abs, loads of water.

I'm delirious and tired and a fat ass.

But I strangely feel better.

Tomorrow is the day of redemption. Thursday through Sunday.

I can do better.

Downward spiral

Struggling.
Fighting.
Crying.
Binging. Binging. Binging.
Purging.
Obsessing.
Weighing.
Crying.

All of these describe me over the past few days.

I am terribly depressed, and not sticking to the game-plan.

I'm sure I've gained. but I'm too scared to check, so I haven't.

I need to get my head back in the game. I need to clean up my act so I'm not so depressed all the time.

I need to be harder on myself.

Or maybe not so hard?

I think harder.

You would all be so ashamed of me, ladies.

But I'm going to turn things around.

Eyes on the thighs; eyes on the prize. I'm only a winner if I get thinner.

Plan: Work out! And no more food tonight at all unless I get to go to dinner with the fiance, and then only veggies/salad.

Tomorrow, work out!!! Water, water, water.
Wake up: Coffee - 0 cals
5 pm: Salad - 200 cals
8pm: Yogurt - 45 cals
Closing time: Peaches - 100 cals
Get home: Fudgesicle - 40 cals
Total: 385
Can possibly throw in some grilled romaine w/lem vin if I can't survive work.

I need to prove to myself that I'm not just a fat kid.
I need to get my head out of my huge ass and start losing again.

I'm weighing in on Sunday, and if I am not back down to what my lowest has recently been, more drastic measures will be taken. If I'm LOWER, then I will reward myself with something... We'll figure out what soon.

I hate myself.

And I've been ruining my relationship with the fiance because of all of this lately.

I feel like a fat ass cow, so I don't want to have sex.

I'm acting obsessive complusive more than usual because I'm freaking out about how much lack of self-control I recently have.

The other day I let a little comment get blown WAY out of proportion so that I wouldn't have to go to dinner because I had eaten too much that day and I am trying to stop purging.

I almost told him about my problem.

But I can't. I need his love. And no one loves a fat girl with eating issues.

Recently discombobulated

I have been ALL over the fucking place lately. Barely eating, binging, purging... No consistency like I normally have.

The other day I binged... Stuffing and cranberries, a bagel with loads of cream cheese, orange juice, on and on. Then I purged. But my binge was not calculated enough. I didn't chew well enough. I didn't drink enough liquid. So I threw up HARD, huge chunks of completely undigested food and blood. It was not pretty. My throat bled for a few hours after and I had to take a lozenge to soothe it because it hurt SO bad. I couldn't eat anything without discomfort for about 2 days. I didn't mia again because I was scared of my throat bleeding again... But I can NOT handle not having mia as a backup. I was freaked out about everything I ate (even more than usual) for about a week because mia is my savior.

So, needless to say, I've been a complete and utter basket case.

SO, I needed to get re-motivated. I've been cooking for myself every day a meat dish and a veggie dish or a salad with chicken not exceeding 200 cals. I take this to work along with some canned peaches (no sugar added, whole can = 100 cals!) and a yogurt or something else similar.

I drink a cup of coffee in the morning and then don't eat until 5pm (the meat and veggie meal) then about half way through my shift (4 hours later) I eat the small item like yogurt, and then at the end of my shift (another 4 hours later) I eat the can of peaches. So if I stick to this, it's about a 350 cal day.

The only probly with this is that there is always, always, ALWAYS a ton of food lying around the kitchen (I work in a restaurant... Ironic much?) and it's hard to resist the fries and bread and real butter and cheese platters and soups and mashed potatoes, and all the other shit that's completely accessible and either free or cheap to purchase since I work there. The other day I had a salad with a cream based dressing, cheese, nuts, dried fruits, etc. SO bad for you! It's barely considered a salad. Needless to say, I threw it up... Salad, much like Asian food, is one of my favorite things to throw up because it's so EASY.

BUT, I've been getting better at sticking to the plan. It's just that I get so TIRED at work some nights, and I immediately want to resort to grabbing an end piece of bread and eating it to get my energy back up.

SO, to combat this, yesterday I went to the store to get some stuff, and I decided to get some diet pills. Fake energy is still energy.

I picked some out after MUCH deliberation, and when I was checking out, the lady that was bagging my stuff looked at the bottle like she was sad.

I'm not that thin, ladies. I could lose 18 pounds and still be in my weight range for my body size/age/etc. EIGHTEEN pounds! And I did not appreciate this fat woman giving me these sympathetic looks, and acting like I was doing something wrong by buying diet pills. I was sympathetic for HER. With her fat rolls cascading over her uniform.

Mind your own fucking business. Keep your pity.

I have to go to work to manage tonight and work on the computer system, and I'm trying to decide if I want to attempt a fast. I just have this pattern of saying, "Fast today!" and then breaking it and it turning into a binge-ish day instead where I eat shit I'm not supposed to because I get so hungry I just eat whatever. I think it may be a good day to attempt a fast though, because if it's a normal night at work I use too much energy and can't manage without food, and if I stay at home, I am tempted to b&p because I'm here alone (the fiance notices when I don't eat if he's here) but tonight I'll be away from the house and barely using any energy, hopefully. That is if the night goes like I think it will.

Dilemma.

I'm going to attempt a fast.

After a nap. Ha ha!

I'll try to post tonight, ladies. Think thin!

White shirt real girl thinspo. I like white. And I wan to be a real girl thinspo.