People

I found a new one. I told her I’m a shit show. She said she’s down for it. She said it’s often about timing. She means it’s about willingness to change. So far I like her. We’ll see Monday when I meet her.  

The last two days I’ve been around 800 calories. It’s been easy because I’ve been so fucking busy. Evenings are hard. Right now I want to eat half a pizza, but I won’t.  

I’m trying very hard not to abuse Xanax. I think I need a couple days without it. It just feels so good to shut off. I need to. My life won’t let me live any other way. Shut off or suffer and worry. Old me would have popped all the pills. New me has a baby to worry about. I don’t care if I live or die at any given moment except for how much it would hurt my husband and kids. I only function for them.

Why am I so easily able to get people to like me? You’d think that would be enough. But no. I hate me. I guess I just think all people are dumb. They fall for my bullshit, so they must be. I put on a face, string together some sweet words, kiss a little ass, and the little birds peck seeds from the palm of my outstretched hand. It’s almost sickening. I know what to do and say in any moment to manipulate a person. I could have used my night to win over SB if I wanted to. I didn’t - hate him. But I know I could have. 

I even got fucking Desiree to like me. She hated that she did, but in the end she liked me. 

I’m tired of people. 

But getting called hot tonight was pretty chill. Adorable really. Like I do still have it I guess. 

The plan

Coffee and fiber for breakfast. 

Salad for lunch. 

Apple for snack.

Meat and veg for dinner. 

Under 1,000 calories a day, right, Ms Gunter? 

Xanax as needed. 

Fuck my body. I hate it, and it’s time to punish it until I don’t. 

I can’t seem to find a good therapist. One last try. Halfassed. I just can’t do it anymore….

I know more than them. 

Summer

I’m sad about leaving here. It’s one of the places I’ve lived the longest. I haven’t had consistency in my life for so many years. I had it here. I’m sad it won’t be that for me anymore. 

But I also hate it here. There have been terrible moments here. 

So, there’s just no option without pain. So I’ll let myself fucking create it.

I’m decreeing this the “summer of survival.” 

This means all behavioral rules are null and void. Toxic and self destructive are just allowed to exist. Just for the summer. Food, Xanax, whatever. I’m staying loyal, and I’ll go to therapy, because those are the things that make it seem like I’m ok to anyone who knows me, but I’m not really going to try.

No one can help me. 

They either push me to do something else, or they just have no answers. Literally no one has given me any help. So, fuck it. I’ll waste two months bitching about my life to whoever is too stupid to keep me but interesting enough to keep me interested. Maybe I’ll do that cycle twice. And I’ll let Mia and Ana play whenever and wherever they want. I’ll skip breakfast. I’ll chug caffeine. I’ll take laxatives when I eat. I’ll let Ana rule the grocery store. I don’t fucking care anymore. 

It doesn’t matter how hard you try. Nothing ever gets better. So, why try?? 

He’ll get to work soon enough, and then I’ll focus. I’ll buy clothes and get physically active. But the next few months, I’m going to tear myself apart. 

I’m going to fake it till I make it with the rich girl food rules. Fuck the fucking fat bitch family I come from. 

Fuck her for letting me get this way. I wonder if my doctor will give me adderall… or if a psych would. 

Hm. 

Fucking tired bro

Things that are pissing me the fuck off:

Brother
Husband

Husbands bitch ass tantrums 
Son number 2

Baby momma 
Yvonne and Missy
Parents 
Lack of free time
Sheer volume of new clients
No one to dump to 
Therapist can’t handle me 
Knowing she can’t handle me 
Having no answers

Dumb dogs 
The eternal debate over every meal internally 
Broke as shit
Don’t want to move
Don’t want to stay
Don’t want to handle all of it myself 
Terrible body
Headache
Cloudy mind
Tired as shit
Bored 
Missing summer 2015 
Lack of social life
Lack of wardrobe 

Intrusive memories of childhood  

Things that aren’t:

Xanax 

Unloved

Binge purge binge purge binge purge binge purge. 

Hate self. Hate life. Feel anxious and depressed. Wish you’d married someone else. Wish you had a different job. Wish you had an easier kid. Wish you had a decent friend. 

I don’t think it’s possible to ever really have a person who knows all of you and loves you right. All people know parts. No one knows all. No one. Except me. And that’s why I hate myself. 

Who could love this?

My husband acts like he can’t stand the sound of my voice. He acts like he doesn’t even like me. He acts like I’m a huge inconvenience. He acts uninterested and annoyed when I speak. 

No one fucking loves me. And they shouldn’t. 

Fucked week

New meds adjusted. New job in the works. New insight with hubby in couples going well. New therapist. She seems good. Hope she can help, because my eating has been out of control. Binging and purging so much. Multiple times a day. Anytime left alone. Anytime triggered. 

At least in this exact moment, things feel good with my little one. Like headed in a good direction. Consistent timelines all over. 

What’s not consistent or good is this fucking week. 

Talked to dad. Pretty sure my relationship with my parents is over for life. Our couples therapist offered to facilitate something. I don’t want it. It’s just like I felt with the ex. I really don’t end something until I’m really really done. And now I’m done. My pity or empathy or whatever for my dad is exhausted now. I tried. I gave him all I had. I didn’t even have to give that. 

She asked how I would feel if the chance to repair it were gone. I said if they died tomorrow I don’t think I’d feel any regret. I feel neutral. She said that’s a good thing. When I told her what my mom texted on my birthday, her eyebrows went up. They never do that. 

Our landlord is making us move out. I get it. We have not been paying our rent well lately. But idk what that’s supposed to look like now. Idk what I can even afford. I’m going to call places tomorrow. Maybe in the long run it’s a good thing. In the short run I’ve been panicked all day long.

Fuck my life I need weed. 

Hate

I’m just binging and purging like insane amounts lately. Idk why even. I’m just so fucking stressed. 

I know why I’m stressed. It’s because I’m so fucking broke all the time. I had to take an hard look at our finances today and be honest with myself and my husband. I just hope I can pick up enough work to make this work. 

Money makes me stressed, and stress makes my eating disorder and fibromyalgia flare up. Today I binged and purged and then ate dinner and purged. I’m making myself dehydrated. I’m running out of food to eat. I’m absent from the things I need to do and feeling defeated. I’m not sleeping well. 

I hate my fucking life and self.