We'll see

I understand so much more today, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I fucked up last night. He fucked up more.

Does everyone deserve a chance? Do people ever change?

Why can't I let GO of certain things? Why do I think I have the right to act crazy and nothing bad will happen?

I hit him first. Body slammed him onto the floor. I was angry. He wouldn't stop being fucked up, but how could he?

I should have walked away. I should have let it go til morning. I should have handled things differently so many times last night...

I'm not trying to justify his actions. I'm not saying we're staying together or that everything is fixable... I'm just saying I made mistakes. Mistakes that I won't make again.

Fucked

He beat me up.

What the fuck is my life now?

And what do I do?

He says he doesn't remember. He was too fucked up. He wasn't even supposed to be fucked up. He was supposed to love me as much as he says he does. He was supposed to keep his promises.

Instead he threw me against the coffee table. Threw me against the wall. Smashed my face into the couch and ground my body into the carpet.

Then he looks at my face like "what the fuck happened to you?" and cries and says it doesn't make sense... He would never do that.

But he did.

And I have to decide what to do now.

Where do I go from here??

Day 2 white week

We decide on a white week.

I spend the day eating because I don't know how to be sober anymore.

He leaves me at home and goes to play pool with his friends because he doesn't know how to be around me if we're not fucked up or fucking.

I text other people and cry to my mom.

Everyone says leave him. I know I probably should.

We fight via text, and I wish I had enough money to drive to my parents house overnight. I contemplate going to my guy BFFs house. I contemplate sleeping in my car somewhere. I contemplate doing a lot of things but instead just lie in bed and cry.

He texts me. He calls me. I ignore all of it. The last thing I say to him is "fuck it." I feel like I mean it way more than I have in the past... That feeling scares me.

I want to make myself throw up but it's been too long since I've eaten anything.

Will this ever be worth it? Or will he always continue to just not fucking get it?

My new life

It's been a long time since I darkened the halls of my blog...

My life is so different than it was a year ago, two years ago, a few months ago...My affair is my boyfriend. And my husband is my past. I'm filing papers this week to make my divorce official. And my lover has moved in to fill that spot.

I love him, but I think maybe that's a bad idea. I think we're bad for each other, and we've fucked things up too much between us in the not-so-distant past, but I don't know how to be alone.

If it's not him, it will be someone just like him because I'm not capable of being alone.

I drink a lot now. And do more drugs than ever before. Anything I can get my hands on.

And I have too many boys in my life.

My best guy friend attempts to booty call me, asks me for pictures... I say no that evening, but kiss him back on a drunken evening when no one else is around. I lay in his bed and let my thong show just a tad in the hopes that maybe he'll want to touch me so badly it'll make me feel alive. He doesn't. I feel relieved and realize I have an issue saying no to someone when they want me.

So many boys want me, and I don't understand why.

Then I push him away because he likes me too much. They all start doing that after a while. And I don't understand why. Can't they see I'm fucked up and that's a horrible idea?

I somehow became involved with my co-worker. He was supposed to be a fling. A one night stand like the couple others I had in the past few months when my boyfriend wasn't my boyfriend. But somehow we didn't hook up, and it all dragged on. He has a girlfriend. I have a boyfriend. We have an understanding and rules to the game we play. I send him photos of myself, we talk about fucking, but it never actually happens. I know I should let go of this, move on, be devoted to my boyfriend who professes his love for me daily, but I can't....

He's lied to be so much about so many things, so many girls, I don't even feel bad about my actions. I feel justified, and that's an awful way to feel in a relationship.

My soon-to-be-ex-husband still loves me, and that makes me feel the worst. I text him about small details on matters when I absolutely have to, but I tell him there's no chance of a relationship. He tells me he almost killed himself over me. My boyfriend laughs, I cry when he's not around. How could I do this to someone who loves me? How could I toss him away and pick up someone whom I may never trust?

I contemplate breaking it off, moving away, pursuing something I've always wanted... But I don't know what will make me happy. Or if anything will.

I feel stuck again. Maybe I always will. I want to feel something good for once, but I don't know if I can.

I feel like my relationship is built on a foundation of lies and mistrust. I don't believe most of what he tells me. And I'm not used to that. I'm used to the unending loyalty of a man I don't want. I think long and hard in the shower and when I'm sober, and I feel like it's inevitable that this will end.

I tell myself I will never marry again. Never have kids. That one day I will make something of my life, but I don't know if I'm capable of that. I will probably give in to whatever the other person wants like I always do.

I don't know how to make a good decision in life. I only make bad ones.

And I'm getting tired of the feelings of jealousy and mistrust. I'm getting tired of feeling like I'm fighting for something sometimes and wanting something else the rest of the time.

Lighter

I weigh less than I have in over a year.

My body and soul are recovering.

My hubby and I are divorcing. He's moving away in a week.

For the first time I feel free.

Relationships and realizations

"Do you want to be in a relationship with me?"

No.

"Do you want to be in a relationship with me?"

No.

I have my answer but I'm having issues enforcing my decision.

It's so much easier to sit on the sidelines of my life and watch it happen to me.

The past week I've felt alive for the first time. I've stayed out late, felt the drunk of an empty stomach and a single beer, watched my weight drop because I feel like I honestly don't need food, laughed, talked, joked, and flirted like I don't think I ever have before. I've made someone jealous that had no right to be and held it over his head until his apologies flooded my phone. I've danced and sung and sped down the road in my car and screamed and yelled and talked dirty and slept very little, if at all.

I've felt in control. I've felt like I'm going to get and do what I want and like I deserve to be selfish.

I've felt happy, and I want that feeling to stay.

I'm tired of being a fat miserable married young person. I'm tired of letting people make my decisions and letting life happen to me.

I want to enjoy life. I want to grasp it and take it on head first.

I want to be happy. And the things that I thought made me happy before are no longer making me happy.

Now I just have to get over the fear. The fear that I can't move on. The fear that I can't do better or even good at all.

The fear that if I take life by the horns, I'll get trampled.

I won't get trampled. And it's time to face my fears.

Liking him

I like him.

I try not to. I don't too much, but I do. I like him.

He makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel sexy. He makes me feel special. He makes me feel alive.

And he likes me too.

It's making me crazy. It's making my whole life complicated.

But it's making me happy. Genuinely happy.

But incredibly stressed.

I'm at a cross roads. Now I just have to choose my path. And honestly right now I want to choose to be alone.

I would like alone.