No food and thinspo

My willpower is returning even without the Addy...

I'm doing well.

Yesterday I had a couple slip-ups... A mia at lunch time and some bread at dinner... But I knew the social evening with my best friend was coming, so I don't feel bad. And I had a blast.

Today I feel SO ready to charge ahead. I feel like I can conquer the world and my weight.

I bought edamame for dinner (180 cals, yes please!) and I'll probably only have that, if even. It's already almost 6pm here, and I have not had a single bite. I've only had 0-cal liquids all day.

I don't want to eat today... I just want to put it off a day. Put off deciding and counting and measuring and hoping to see a smaller number the next day.

Sometimes it's easier to just not eat anything.

Thinspo collection. I've been gathering for a while now.

Think thin, ladies.

Always planning, sometimes achieving

My scale hates me. I, in return, hate it, but I can't live without it. I need it to tell me what to do...

Today's calorie goal: 300 max. Tomorrow the same. Friday and Saturday I work, so the goal is 500.

Sunday will be the 1st. A brand new year. And I plan to enter it a lot lower in weight than I am at this moment.

15 cherries for breakfast and lunch, a piece of fish and some asparagus for dinner = under 300 and not even hungry. Thank you, Adderall.

The addy I took this morning lead to a furious day of cleaning everything around me. Legit cleaning. Like pulling things out of the cabinets and reorganizing and scrubbing the insides cleaning.

I still have a ton of laundry to conquer, and I plan to get off to that in a bit and watch a movie or something.

I need a new band to listen to. Any suggestions?

New plans and years

I need to go to bed, but I have so many thoughts tumbling around inside my head... I don't know what to do with them all... I'm exhausted, but I just can't sleep.

I decided not to take any addy on days I work because I have to eat before work, and I find it's not as strong if I have food in my system. I took a half of one tonight because I was so fucking TIRED at work, and I didn't even feel it.

I've been trying to conserve, but I'm going to invest some money tomorrow and buy like ten. My plan is a full pill on days I have off (half in the morn and half in the evening) and a half a pill at work IF I have not eaten up to that point.

And then taper off the shit once I feel in control again....

Because right now I don't. I feel like by taking the addy I'm taking the easy way out, but I need it right now. I constantly feel depressed and drained and lifeless and directionless and like all I want every single day is a distraction from all the negative shit in my life.

So I need to fix some things... Not just my body but my head.

And in the spirit of that:

Cally's New Year's Resolutions:
First and foremost, get down to 110lbs if it kills me.
Spend more time being active and creative.
Learn to be an adult.
Enjoy the gym.
Listen to music more.
Create more masterpieces.
Keep my environment more peaceful.
Express to more people how much I enjoy them and spend more time catching up with them.
Get out of the house more.
Re-find God and tell Him I'm sorry.

Giving back in.

Giving back in.

That is the theme today.

I have come to realize over the past month or so that I am not normal. My relationship to food is seriously flawed, and no matter how much internal reflection I do, I cannot figure out WHY.

When did this happen and why? When did I become a monster? When did this thing that hangs over my head become so large it crushed me?

People have theories about people with eating disorders, but I don't know how true most of them are. I never feel when I hear the theories like, "Oh yes, that's me alright." I always think, "If that's true, then how did I get so fucked in the head? Why me?"

I have no answers, and only one thing is certain: Whenever I fight it, I get fat.

I'm heavier than I want to be, and the ultimate goal of 110lbs seems SO far away.

But ladies, I am going to get there. One pound at a time. With complete disregard for being healthy or normal or sane. I am going to achieve what I want and need to achieve.

Yesterday's intake:
B: Tea - 0 cals.
L: Salad and chicken - 200 cals.
D: Random stuff - Mia'd.
Total: Low enough to satisfy me.

Today I hope to do better.

I really want to go to the gym, but I had the flu all last week, and it's still holding on hard enough that any heavy breathing sends me into uncontrollable fits of coughing... I'm going to give it a couple more days.

And THEN (and this is exciting!) I will be headed back and dragging my brother along with me! Yaay!

He moved in this weekend. He graduated from the university and has a few months before he goes into the police academy, so he's renting my spare bedroom in the meantime. Honestly having him here is SO nice because he's a huge distraction... I have this intense fear of eating in front of people and having him and the hubby both around honestly makes me eat less.

So I have THAT going for me, and I also got some addy from a girl I used to work with... But honestly now I don't know what to do with it...

I really wanted it and got like 6 pills, but I don't know when to take the shit because I don't want to a.) crash at work in the evenings or b.) be too wired and not able to sleep when I get home.

SO I think I may just save it for my days off... Or just take a half when I get ready for work so that when I get home I'm ready to crash and not thinking about food???

Basically it's my safety net right now. I'm going to try to be strong as long as I can and then when I'm about to have a bad day, I'll resort to the addy.

Definitely taking one on Christmas tho. The easier that shit is to get through the better.

Well, ladies I'm off to determine my food for the day and read some blogs!

Think thin. ♥

Hating myself

It's time again.

To give in.

Struggling with an ED... I don't think it ever goes away. I try repeatedly to be normal. To stop struggling. To eat like a normal person.

Doesn't work.

It just makes me even unhappier. I've gained. Not terrible, and totally losable.

And it's time to do it.

I want to stop hating myself.