Sunday, August 21, 2011

I hate weekends


I threw up SO much this weekend. I'm so ashamed. I gave in to Bulimia fully over the past 2 days. It's like I was 16 all over again and hating myself just as much.

My whole body hurts from it. My throat is raw, my head has been aching for 48 hours, and I'm bloated.

Not to mention the laxatives.

I haven't weighed in... I don't want to. I don't want to know how much I fucked up and damaged myself.

What is WRONG with me!? WHY can't I just STOP this!? I'll eat something small and then I can't stop... I eat more and more and then I can't help it - I have to purge it up.

I'm so MAD at myself.

I'm not weighing in until Wednesday. Punishment for the weekend's transgressions.

I have the day off on Tuesday, so tomorrow's priority is to get an Adderall for my day off so I can clean the house and NOT B&P.

Fuck, I hate myself SO much.

I really do.

6 comments:

  1. Be positive. We all have our slip ups but we can move past them and be better then that. Relax and remember how much better you feel without the food. Enjoy your day off on Tuesday :) <3

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  2. :o( I know it feels terrible right now, but you'll pick yourself back up soon enough!

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  3. I love weekends 'cause I'm off but I hate 'em for the same reasons you do. It's usually the time when I'm more likely to go off track and blow it. I can only imagine all the havoc that purging does. Hope you feel better soon.

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  5. I know this. I LIVE this. I am that 16 y.o out of controller you described. Your post scares me... does this ever stop? I always assumed you keep going until you hit bottom, rehab, treatment... Does having a husband help? I feel like that would be the ultimate support system.

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  6. I feel the same exact way about weekends. There's too much free time and not enough structure. I hope you feel better soon. Stay strong :)

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