Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Things I am addicted to [lately]:
Binging and Purging.
Would any other shitty things like to jump on this list? Cutting, would you like to join? Hm? Obsessively crying? Everyone come aboard! Why not?
I'm a MESS lately. Like a legit mess, and I honestly don't know what to do about myself... I constantly seek something, ANYTHING to alter my mood.
I take diet pills and Addy to get through my morning (to not eat, because eating is bad!) which are uppers. They both make me feel artificially happy and energetic.
Then after I crash from these at night I smoke weed in order to stop worrying about things - so that I can eat dinner without having a panic attack. But I probably shouldn't smoke because I probably shouldn't eat dinner in the first place...
Then I pop a sleeping pill to erase my day completely so that I can actually FALL asleep because if I don't take them all I think about all night long is how much I HATE myself. The thousands of reasons why.
And if I DON'T take any of these drugs... Well! Then I just end up binging and purging multiple times in the same day. Eating so much food so fast that I'm not even tasting it... It's just about getting all of it in so I can throw it up and feel "better." Only it's very rare that I feel better. Normally the process just feels necessary, not enjoyable.
I B&P'd yesterday, despite the Addy I took in the morning, which has never happened before. I mistakenly thought I would be okay with half a pill, but I was wrong... I think my body is getting used to it, which is NOT good. That means I'll have to take MORE to feel something and I a.) cannot afford that and b.) should probably not be taking it in the first place.
SO, I decided that today I need to NOT take any Addy and the same goes for tomorrow. As far as Friday, I make no promises, seeing as how I have the entire day off by myself.
I made it though this morning at work only because I took double the diet pills I normally take.
I don't even know if I could go a full day without some kind of drug. I think I would just end up B&Ping all day long.
Fuck, I'm a mess. I need to ween myself off of some of these substances and go back to having self-control on my own.
Is that even possible now??? Can I even manage to make that happen???
A girl I work with went on a cruise for a week and came back today. She told me, "You look like you've lost weight!"
I almost cried. "I have!" I said. "But it's not enough." I thought.