Monday, February 23, 2009

Nightmares of All Kinds

So today was not so fun... I fucked up my knee somehow (possibly related to my ankle injury earlier this week???) so I can't work out... I can barely walk. I have no idea how tomorrow at work is going to go. Fuck.

But anyway... I think I'm going to purge on Wednesday... And it's kind of sick that I'm planning this, but honestly I haven't eaten anything that I like in about a week except for the macaroni. Everything I eat is neg cal, low-fat, no toppings, barely any calories... Ugh. And I BARELY eat. And I'm so sick of not eating... But I cannot bring myself to eat because I am NOT going to be fat. So I'm going to. And I know this is totally the sucker's way out, but maybe if I just let myself purge once in a while, it'll be easier to restrict the other days because I can look forward to my purging meal.

But that aside...

I keep having the weirdest dreams lately... First the other night I had a dream that I was throwing up and that at first it was black and icky like tar, and then the more I threw up the better it got until it was water I was throwing up, and I got happier and happier as I puked. And then last night I dreamed the BF and I were staying with my mom (I always over-indulge at her house) and that I was just absolutely stuffing my face, and then I got scared and not just wanted, but NEEDED to purge and I could not get into the bathroom because everyone was in there. I was panicking thinking about any of those calories being absorbed... Needless to say the dreams are not enjoyable. And I keep having dreams about eating donuts of all things... So effing weird.

But anyway, today was VERY tough. I did okay, but not as good as I had planned. Which makes me feel shitttyyyy. I was just REALLY hungry all day... So hungry I took a nap to curb it. And then after dinner I purged. Ugh, I hate that I don't have enough self-control sometimes... I didn't even go over by that much. I was WELL under what an average "dieting" person eats in a day... But I felt like it was too much, and had that panic attack that only purging can fix.

I've noticed as long as I stay under 600 I'm EXTREMELY happy with my day. And if I go over that, it CANNOT be more than 1,000 with the difference being neg cal foods... Which was today, so it's ok, but not great.

Speaking of neg cal, I don't know if I'm actually supposed to even count them??? I do, but I was reading an article online that said that you don't have to? I keep it extremely low anyway...

But anyway, here's some thinspo. Bikini themes because I almost tried on my bikini today, but then I realized it wasn't going to improve my mood. Ha!

<3 you ladies!



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