Sunday, February 22, 2009

Go, Shawty. It's MY Birthday!

Hello loves!

So today is my birthday! (Thank you, Lolly for the wishes!!!)

I'm 22 years old. Fuck, I'm old now. Where the hell have the past 3 years gone??? Seems like just a month ago I was 19 and dating my ex and beginning my life away from my parents... My, how the past few years have played out SO much differently than I had envisioned...

I thought I'd be super skinny by now, for one thing...

I did good today though! And trust me, it was hard because I kept wanting to be like "Oh, it's my birthday; I can eat what I want..." But I resisted! Only about 15 cals at breakfast, 100 at lunch, and then 400ish at dinner (including a WONDERFUL glass of wine... Mmmm...) and I had 2 hershey kisses (cuz it's my b-day) at 44 cals.

So, 560ish. Not baaad!

But I feel like I'm losing weight kind of fast right now, and I'm scared it might be really bad??? I don't even know... I've lost 6lbs in 6 days. Is that too much? What's too much? What's not enough? I know according to my health class, you're not supposed to lose more than 2-3 lbs a week because "It's more easily re-gained." But what if you just never eat enough cals to regain? And how bad would it get for me to regain? I have no answers because I can't exactly talk to someone about this because I'm not exactly healthy about my weight loss...

But the loss is making me happy. :-)

The BF, ALL DAY today, kept saying stuff like, "You look thinner babe!" "You're lookin' good, babe! I mean, you've always been beautiful, and I've always loved how you look, but you're looking great." "You're doing so well!" "You have so much self-control lately." "I'm so proud of you." etc, etc! I don't know if he was showering me with these statements because its my birthday or because I'm actually starting to look better... He's always said that I don't have much self-control (I don't for the most part) and I know that's always kind of bothered him because he has a lot of control...

I don't think he realizes how ana I am lately. As long as he sees me consume something he's okay, but I don't think he realizes how little I'm actually consuming... I basically only eat dinner.

But GOD do I want to purge soon... I may need to allow myself to do that every once in a while... Maybe like once a week...

We went to the grocery store to see what I could maybe eat for dessert, (I ended up not buying anything and eating the kisses that the BF had) and while we were walking around I was like FUCK. I want to eat so much food that I just can't... I was contemplating just going in on Wed when the BF's at work and buying whatever I want and then purging.

And now that I'm thinking about it, I know I'm more likely to actually do it... The last time I did this, I thought about it for like 3 days and then ordered Chinese (spent like $20) and then threw it aaall up. It was glorious in the moment though...

Fuck.

I really don't want to be mia. I've been good lately, and I'm scared the BF will find me out... I'm honestly terrified he'll find my blog... We share a computer, and I clear the history and everything, but today when I was in the shower, he said something about looking up where the restaurant was, and I had this seizing panic attack that I might not have cleared everything (I knew I had though) and that he would find it. I called his name to tell me what time it was and everything. It's hard to hide writing in here too because we're always together. Lately I have to wait until he falls asleep on the couch and I make SURE he's passed out so I can actually write. And I do it before he gets home. (We live together, if you haven't pieced this together by now.)

But anyway, my birthday was lovely. We cuddled all morning (we both had off work and do tomorrow as well!) and then sat around and watched TV and just acted lazy and in love. It was lovely. And a million people called me to wish me happy birthday! And then a delicious dinner out... It was so nice.

Buuut anyway, some thinspo of the opposite nature today (birthday themed of course). SUPER gross.


Ew, huh?




Just keep chanting it... No, no, no, no, no!

PS. I just realized when I went back to see when I bought my scale (because that's when I began weighing and noticing I've lost 6lbs in 6 days) that I did not do my hollywood flush yet... Maybe I'll hold onto it and wait until I need a weight-loss boost. (Like maybe once I flatline or something... Or before D&R come to visit in April.)

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